You know there's almost always little worming thoughts that get into my head and make me think maybe I'm not good enough, in some way or another. I've always struggled with accepting myself, with having a sense of self, I guess. It's probably connected in one way or another with various flavors of trauma I experienced in my upbringing, but I try to move past that fact, thinking it'll only weigh me down. I've recently begun having the worst episode of body dysmorphia I think I've felt in years, probably due to the looming possiblity of my current partner thinking my body is gross. I've never felt comfortable in my own skin, dodging taking photos and physical intimacy beyond chaste kisses and holding hands. I often joke I'm simply waiting until marriage, as it's a well known fact I'm not exactly a religious person. However, sometimes I doubt myself about it being a joke. I think marriage is one of those things that would reassure me that someone cared enough to not leave even if my body was disgusting to them. I worry that despite all her reassurance I'm still not /really/ good enough, I'm just nice enough to be a neat play thing until the next guy comes around.
I think dating a lot of women who are into guys kinda ruined my perception of myself. Now, I enjoy being butch, in fact I willingly made it part of my identity long before I knew the words for it, but every now and then there's this sinking feeling that with every girl I date I'm not enough of a "man" for her, she's gonna find some guy to fill that void I'm leaving and in turn I'm gonna lose her. I don't doubt my girlfriend when she says she loves me, I just wonder how far that love actually goes. If she met a guy like me one day would I be thrown away? It's a terrifying thought, the idea of being something that exists only for people's enjoyment. Do I have a place I'll go when I die? Am I human enough for God to look at me and cast a judgement? Is it a moral failing for me to lack so much humanity? I'm not sure, and it terrifies me.
I don't like hurting, I want to get better, I know I hurt people when I feel bad and it feels so selfish of me, but I also wish I had something to point at, to blame for feeling so sick, so empty. Sure, I have the trauma, but that doesn't feel concrete enough, it doesn't feel like I can truly point at it and say "I can't live with this. I can't live at all." There's this unspoken expectation for people like me, people who have carried on so bravely, as they say, that I won't succumb, because clearly if I've made it this far I can't fail. I don't like that mentality, I think the trauma has made me very lonely. I'm scared to trust people, I'm scared to get close, but I'm terrified to be alone. I think that's why I keep finding myself in loops of falling for people who only make me worse. My girlfriend isn't one of those people, and I'm so thankful for that, but she really helps to highlight how often I force myself to suffer. There is no righteousness in what I do to myself and yet I can't stop. It's times like these where I wish she wasn't so nice, where I wish I didn't have friends, I wish my life wasn't going well, so I could justify these feelings, so I could take my life without remorse, without guilt. I can't though. I feel so trapped in a loop of unhappiness but I can't escape until it's run its course.
I wish I could lean on my partner for support when it came to these matters. I think, at the end of the day, though, she shouldn't have to deal with these thoughts I have. I fear I rely on her too much as it stands, and while I'm certain she wouldn't enjoy not having me around I'm sure it's better than the alternative. I haven't told her I slipped back into my habits of self harm. I don't think I want to tell her. I fear letting people know will only make it worse, like I have to put on a performance. Sometimes I think I trapped myself, if we're being honest. I want to be a different person, I want to be free of these binds that make me feel so damn empty. But I can't figure out how to change who I am. I hate being me, I want to be someone else, but I don't know where to start, I don't know what about me is so inherently terrible I break everything I touch.
Not to be a bitch but also fully to be a bitch I literally cannot fathom why or how someone would interact with me fucking TWICE when they literally have "HeTaLiA fAnS dNi" in their info and I don't even hide the fact I'm a fucking Hetalia fan. Like dude, follow your own DNI. On Tumblr I'd get it, y'know? You see my only popular post ever (abt a statement that's no longer true cuz I fucking hate Creepypasta fans, all of you fuckers should die, so many of you are so annoying and falsely righteous but whatevs that's all of you fandom fucks) and think "oh this is a take i agree with" and hit like, which, fuck you? like dont like my posts, youre already an inch away from getting blocked from that action alone. either have the balls to hit reblog or dont touch my post, thanks. but then you go onto my WEB SITE and i guess get soooo excited about the marble hornets aesthetic your eyes glaze over my fucking kin list? homie, i promise you i dont kin characters from media i dont like. all of those are interests that are either dormant or i dont actively post abt but theyre all things i love lmaoooo. Idk, I fucking hate the "DNI if" crowd. I have a DNI but literally block ppl I follow if they like- put ticci toby on my dash when I'm not in a good mood or have a bad blog aesthetic. I'm so liberal w/ my blocks in a fandom that barely has ppl and for good reason. So be it if I get 2 notes, at least theyre from ppl who wont annoy me. I doubt I'll change the aestehtic of this site tho?? I kinda handmade everything when I was manic as shit and even if my interest in Marble Hornets is peetering out it's like- chill. Maybe I'll change the entire site to LoI65 stuff, who knows, but that wont be for a looooong time lolz.
I have once again not updated this thing in a real long time. That's wild, I guess. I haven't made anything of note in a long time now. I wanna try to finish my last Marble Hornets fic but that being done feels almost impossible. The Marble Hornets shrine should be made sooner or later. Masky plush drop is today :) excited for that. My dad's giving me the money for the plushie and the new comic coming out tomorrow I believe. I'm not really hardcore into Marble Hornets anymore but it's fine. I think I'm just losing my steam when it comes to fandom stuff. People tire me out too easily nowadays. Maybe my next update here will be about me analyzing Alex Kralie's character. Y'know, I might add my analysis of HABIT and Vinny's relationship here some day. I remember a while back that being one of my first interactions with my girlfriend. Also, I finally asked Wren out. We've been friends for a while, and have been dating for a while now, but I finally decided to update that lolz. It's kind of funny how we met, honestly. I just so happened to stumble back into a mild interest in Creepypasta and she knew about EverymanHYBRID and I guess I was kinda depraved of people knowing about my niche internet things. We got closer over time and such a shame honestly her poor ex boyfriend lost to me of all people. I'm proud of myself.
You know, Wren's actually the one who made Elijah. It's kind of funny in retrospect, how we made our silly OCs kiss in our stead cuz we were too nervous to confess to each other. I'm happy I met her. I'm probably gonna end up rewriting what I have so far of Lost on I-65 because I currently don't really like it? Working on a Discord server to RP in that setting tho :) It'll be fun, I hope. Me and Wren have gotten back into roleplaying together after a while of us both being burnt out on roleplaying in general. She makes me so happy. She agreed to send me the photos of her latest IG post cuz she took it down but I just really like looking at her photos. It took her a while to take the photos so it's a waste she'd take em down. Maybe I'll set up a shrine of her photos if she lets me. I think it'd be nice. Maybe I'm insane.
Started reading Beastars. On chapter 151. Nervous about how it'll end. I started reading it two days ago. I think there's something a little impressive about getting this far in a series this quickly. Also been reading a lot of manhwas. They're all your typical romance things but I like em. I think they help me not take myself too seriously. Been thinking about allowing my friends to host their stuff here. My pal, Corvin, was thinking about taking his work down from AO3 so I offered to put the fics on my site. He took the idea well so maybe that'll be happening sooner or later :) But yeah. Fun update from the past almost 2 months I guess.
How to start an entry. I won't lie, I only thought to update this thing cuz ive been having a variety of thoughts cross my mind at an increasingly rapid rate. For starters, luckily didn't fuck up and get a crush on a friend of mine. That would be awkward if I did. Luckily got over a road bump in LOI65 that was kinda bogging me down so chpter 2 is back on track. Been thinking a lot more about how I, as a person, have been impacted by Creepypasta, and noticing how because my favorite genre as a child was always horror (even long before I knew what a "copy paste function" was, or a "copypasta", and much less a "creepypasta") it makes a lot of my own works carry those same kind of themes, an energy I can only describe as "depressingly real yet calmingly mellow". I've been wanting to write more fantastical stuff, truly, really, but the issue is even Chaos And Creation, a story based purely in Scandinavian and Celtic(??? I think that's the term for groups that arent English in the British Isles? Bitch at me if I'm wrong) folklore has a lot of the same kinda depressing and dingy energy as everything else I make. It's not that I hate it, there's a reason I write like this, I just wish it was easier for me to step outside my comfort zone without it seeming almost... Backwards? to do so?
That series of thoughts aside, I've still been struggling to truly come to terms with the fact I'm an "adult". I mean, I shouldn't really be considered an adult. Sure, I'm 18, I'm turning 19 this year, but it doesn't feel correct. It feels like I'm still a kid. I can barely take care of myself and it sucks. And I know I'm not the only person stuck in this rut, i mean, I lost two whole years of my childhood to a pandemic no one cared about, but it still sucks so hard. Plus there's plenty of people older than me who are just as dependent on others, but it feels wrong to say I'm an adult, to try to bond with other "adults". It's all so stupid in my eyes. I think I just suck at human interaction. This blog really is just big ol' venty think pieces of a deranged little freak.
Been enjoying just digging through sites, picking them up like shiny rocks I found on the side of the road. Recently had to show one off to friends and acquaintances it amused me so much. I need to work on this site more. Recently made refs for two characters, Cyril and Elijah, I need to make warning pages for them before I finish their information, though. I really need to get my DFTR characters done. I think once/if this site gets done it'll be a sort of mirror to my Toyhouse for OCs I like- actually play with. I need to get my commission info uploaded onto this site soon. Wanna make a page for just my short concept works that barely hit 500 words and maybe a Marble Hornets concept dump page. It'll be full of stuff before I know it and will probably need some advanced tagging system I'll teach myself in real time. Really proud of the super basic JS I used for the gif activation on Cyril's page, tho. I'm gonna try to commission a few artists maybe for page dolls for their pages. Or do art trades. I really wanna do art trades. I know I got a semi recent pagedoll for cyril though so I might just commission that artist more if they agree lol.
So I'm staring at UNTITLED and have realized it is a fucking TASK. Now this is fine, I know I'll be able to get it done, I'm just struggling to get the ball rolling. I'm thinking once I get the first chapter up, though, I'll be able to just update irregularly with like- a month being the maximum amount of time before the next chapter is released. Y'know, the perfect way to update a fic based on an ARG lmao. Proud of myself for getting the comment section added, originally I wasn't gonna add one but I like that I did :) V fun uwu
So, Percy got a massive design overhaul, might move the spin off DFTR charas into a like- misc bin w/ him tbh??? Been having Cyril x Elijah brainrot,,, again. Might write another fic about them fucking and sucking, idk. I have more wholesome fic ideas (plus every MH fic I need to finish) but nothing gets the crowd going [read: people sending me "bro wtf" messages] more than straight smut. I genuinely hate those kinda reactions tbh cuz like- Girlie pop you are on the internet. You have seen wilder porn than anything I write, I promise you that. Stop acting like it's insane. But as for like- SFW ideas I've had bopping around in my head, I might write about them going on a roadtrip. mayhaps at a party. this is probably nsfl but since they both do the silly murder thing maybe teamed up for a job, who knows x3c Getting hard to make art rn since this site kinda stole my braincells so oops. I'll bust out the art I need soon tho. I'd hate for this site to be 99% placeholder for long. It's not like I use social media much n e wayz. Hella hype abt this site slowly fitting my vision tho. It's coming together despite all the struggles n soon I probably will just fit it to be perfect for me to post all my stupid thoughts to.
I gave into the demons. Which is to say, I revamped the site theme,,,, finally. I might add a change log soonish? Depends on how much more I plan to edit about the site. Might add a lot more since it's starting to feel like I should sink more time into this bad boy. I love when people finally find out this site exists tbh. Like it ain't much, but its honest work. I have such a web 1.0 vibe going on in here. I might use this place to be like a "carrd" of sorts now, tbh. I have no real reason to use carrd since, like, I barely use social media anways. N E gays- Left a server I liked cuz a friend of my ex, Toby, joined :( I hate it tbh cuz it was a RP server and I was vibin, which is rare for me, but alas. Its whatevs, tho, no one'll really remember I joined lolz XP I also got more stuff to make bracelets so that's fun. I guess today's been pretty good overall. Nothing bad to say.
Car tire popped today. Well... 2 did. It was wack. Got stuck miles away from home. We were gonna go out to eat. Ended up getting fish delivered. I like fish. We did an escape room, it was fun. I haven't done an escape room in a while. I got a commission, somehow. I don't think my art's actually good enough to pay for. I'm not good at making anything. I'm slowly getting tempted to like- make the site index fully blank. Prevent people from seeing my work. My Carrd, Tumblr, everything just getting deleted. I think I'm just having a painc attack tho. I know it's all just jokes but I genuinely hate having people look at what I make. I need to upload 2 other fics to this site. I'll do it soon. One's just a drabble but still. I need to finish some art for an art trade as well... I feel kinda pathetic :/ I should be put down.
Wow it's been a while since I last updated this thing. Well, considering I never use any social media, that's not exactly a shocker. I got like- hella into Marble Hornets in the last couple of months. Broke some new hearts, as per usual, habit of mine. Looking back at the writing here, it's almost funny how obsessed with Xyrus I was. Dude, I hate his guts now. Then again, I hate like- Everyone's guts? I think the only people I can stand are like- Corvin, Kel, and Aster. God it's a miracle I haven't cursed myself to a life of loneliness, but then again, people love me. I'm funny, hot, yadda yadda. I don't know, I've been told I should practice "self love" more. That just feels like code for jerking off but it is what it is.
Excited for issue 4 of the Marble Hornets comics to come out. Issue 3 & 3.5 made me feral so like- Excited to see what comes next. I have so many theories, but I'm also just a Fella. Moving out to Dana soonish probably. I can't stand living with my maternal grandparents anymore and sure the middle of fuck off nowhere isnt the most appealing place to live but I can survive. I've made it 18 years making less than good decisions, it'll be 19 this year, and humans are pretty damn hard to kill. Where am I going in life after this? Who knows. But that's for future me to decide. For now, I'm just living.
It's been a while since I updated here. I guess most important stuff first: I have a job now. It's,,, whatever i guess. Usually pretty boring. Working is a lot less stressful than I thought it would be. I'm still being self destructive. I'm once again questioning my gender and being self destructive. I wish I could fix myself but... Idk. It sucks. A lotta things suck. I've been writing more recently. I'm proud of myself for that. Been considering hosting more nsfw type content here but im worried kids might see it so idk right now. maybe in the future. Hoping to get more hours at my job soon. Kiinda wanna move. Kinda wanna liive with my bf. I dont deserve him, really. I want to just- love someone without fear. It sucks. Life sucks.
Man I fucked up royally. I love him, I really do, but why does it hurt so much that I need to cut him off to heal. I know I'll come crawling back. Does he understand that? I'm not so sure I want someone who isn't him. I want him to be happy with me but I think we both need to grow a lot before that can happen. I'll probably reach out to him one day. Maybe the end of this week I'll have processed things and I can be a bit more level headed. For now I've blocked him but- I hope we can rebuild a relationship. I don't want what we used to have. That was something unhealthy, dangerous. I want something that will actually support us both. I believe he's my soulmate, truthfully, of course I've never believed soulmates were predestined, I always figured they were made. I want him to be my soulmate. I just pray he won't really give up before that day comes. If he does, he had every right to. I won't blame him. Hopefully he can forgive me even if I struggle to forgive myself. I plan on keeping that silly little 11am-12pm eating time. I'm a man of my word. I'll keep it up until the day I can finally look him in the face again.
I feel awful. I guess this place is gonna end up being like a personal diary for me except anyone can look at it. I'm currently writing this at about 3am, this is gonna end up being kind of stream of thought. I upset my boyfriend really bad, ended up puking from the guilt. It hurts a lot more than I remember, I'll be honest. I struggle to cry but it's been happening more and more often, it sucks. I wanna go back to not being able to feel anything, it was safer than now.
I kind of fear he hates me now. I know it's kind of stupid that he'd still be with me if this is all it took for him to hate me but maybe he does. It's scary being so unsure how close people actually consider you. Sometimes I fear maybe I'm stupid for thinking we should be close just because we're dating. I feel like a bad person for how often I want his attention. I should be happy with what I get, shouldn't I? It all feels pointless I guess. Maybe I should suck it up and only be there when he wants me around. I struggle to figure out what he wants me to say but if I try hard enough I should manage.
I turned 18 9 days ago and tried to drown myself that morning. Maybe I should've just done it. I wouldn't be hurting others like this if I had. It's tiring being alive and it's tiring hurting others and I can't take it anymore. What's the point of being alive when all you do is hurt others?
I'm thankful no one will read these blogs, I admit. It's nice to just write what I think and put it out there without the risk of someone worrying about me. I don't want people to worry about me, I want them to leave. I deserve to be killed or abandoned or anything really. I deserve pain, not pity. How much longer do you think he'll pretend he's happy with me before he leaves? Am I being selfish thinking he'd do that? I don't know anymore, I don't want to risk finding out how much of what I fear is true and how much is my anxiety making me self destructive.
I doubt he'll read this. But if he does, whoops. I guess I spilled my guts a little too hard there. Oh well.
This is the first thing I've made, I suppose. Consider this the beginning of a wonderful journey into forever or whatever. I really don't know what reason I'd have to keep a blog but it's fun. This is going to be hellish to keep up if I regularly update it but honestly I think I'll only update when I feel a need to update stuff on this site. I'm glad I finally opted to just create my own little home page on this terrible internet. It'll be fun, I hope.
I'm kind of tired from what I've already set up along with job hunting but it'll be fine. I need to upload all my art onto my dA Stash then get all my writing put on here. This entire ordeal is gonna take a while, but it's fine.
I can't think of much else to add to this site so I'll consider what I've written sufficient. I'm gonna continue working on the silly little site now.