"You cold?" That was the first thing Jay heard as he witnessed Tim step from the closed off bathroom that was the only area separate of the dingy motel they had been staying in. He was dressed, but it was clear he had just taken a bath, his damp hair dark and clinging to his forehead as he sloppily dried it off with a complimentary towel.
Jay was curled up with his knees to his chest, the ever rolling camera pointed at him, sitting up on one of the two full sized mattresses, his feet just barely over the edge but his heels dug into the sheets. The cold and stiff motel duvet was draped over his shoulders, not really bringing any warmth to his shivering body, anxiety brought about by the momentary absence of Tim, and, in fact, what felt like a sensation better described as the blanket sucking away the little warmth his body produced.
"No, I'm fine," he answered quietly, watching through the peripherals of his vision as Tim's eyes squinted ever so slightly in worry, a habit Jay had just recently come to notice, and his lips pursed into a tight line. His gaze was mostly centered upon the camera as he watched the blinking lights of it recording, avoiding meeting Tim's eyes. He didn't want to worry the other, he didn't need his worry, he wished he could accept it but he could never truly.
"Sure... Just." Tim cut himself off, shaking his head as he took his jacket off the end of the second bed frame, clutching it tightly in his hand before gently pushing the duvet from the other's shoulders, draping it gently over him. "Wear this." He didn't give further excuse, he didn't want to make excuses for the behavior, he wanted Jay safe and warm. And Jay didn't put up a fight as he slowly slid his arms through the sleeves of the jacket, his fingers curling around the cuffs.
"Thanks."
"Any time."
Silence filled the space between them, Jay's gaze refusing to settle in the direction of Tim as he sat on the other mattress, sat directly across from him. His eyes closed slightly hearing the soft squeaks of protest at the motion of the springs, a short but sharp inhale drawing air into his lungs. The room smelled vaguely of cigarettes, mostly due to Tim's presence as a whole. Despite the man's best attempts at keeping his person not smelling strongly of tobacco, he tracked the harsh scent in from the outside on his clothes, on his jacket, and yet Jay couldn't help but just cuddle further into the material. It smelled like Tim, it smelled like safety.
His eyes shut, a gentle sigh escaping between his lips before gently biting his lower lip, sucking on the tender flesh slightly. He eventually released it, his lip springing back to its resting position, ever so slightly bruised. His lips opened as if planning to speak but all that escaped him was the harsh sound of him sucking in a breath before his lips closed again.
"Better?" He heard Tim ask, his eyes springing open and finally landing on him.
The towel was dropped on the floor long ago, and he wanted to point it out, to have it picked up, but didn't say anything. He grit his teeth, regretting that soon after, as he didn't exactly like the sensation.
"Yeah."
The silence crept between them, but it wasn't awkward, it was merely calm.
"Good."
He watched Tim run a hand through his still damp hair, it sticking up in spikes stuck together by water. The entire process of which he could very keenly recall Tim explaining on one of the tiring and long car rides because he never really cared about science related things until Tim started explaining them.
"You should head to bed," Tim suggested quietly, getting up to carefully drape the motel blanket over Jay's shoulders, over the jacket. His touch was gentle yet firm as he secured it comfortably.
"Do you want your jacket back?"
"Keep it."
Jay hesitated, rubbing the fabric of the cuff between his fingers and the base of his palm, wanting to protest before simply nodding, curling up on the bed. He looked away from Tim and sighed, closing his eyes.
He heard footsteps before hearing the flick of a lightswitch, the light illuminating behind his eyelids quickly going out. He relaxed under the duvet, the sound of Tim settling back down on the bed a relaxing noise, a reminder he was still there. Even if he couldn't see him, Tim would always be there.
----
Jay remembered Alex had promised to meet him by the park at a spot only really the two of them frequented that day, but he wasn't exactly given a time. He could only assume it would've been around noon, usually that's when they would meet up, but it was almost 2 now and he still hadn't heard anything and he was certain a storm was rolling in. He tried one last time to try to contact Alex, not wanting to leave just in case the other finally showed up. He heard the usual voicemail from Alex, almost tempted to throw his phone before just hanging up, sinking to the ground and wrapping his arms around his knees.
A strong gust of wind hit him, sending a shiver up his spine. He almost wanted to cry before hearing the sound of feet hitting the ground below. He bit his lip before looking up at whoever was approaching, meeting Alex's gaze. His heart momentarily skipped a beat seeing the other, a clear remorseful expression on his face as he approached. He couldn't help but love the expression plastered on Alex's face. A reminder he cared despite everything, listening to Alex catch his breath.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to take so long. Amy was pestering me about shit," he said to excuse his two hour tardiness.
Jay couldn't help but just sigh and nod. What else could he do? Of course he was second to Amy. Why wouldn't he be? He wasn't Alex's partner, he was a secret meant to be kept in the dark. He slowly stood up, dusting himself off.
"Yeah, uh, sounds annoying," he responded quietly. He didn't get to say anything else before Alex's arms were around him, his face gently pressed into his shoulder, right next to his neck. He felt his heartbeat quicken, the sound of his pulse in his ears drowning out his original anger. He slowly reciprocated the affection, patting Alex's back softly.
"It really is," Alex responded quietly, nuzzling Jay's shoulder, "I missed you."
"I missed you too."
----
Jay groggily opened his eyes, looking for some hint as to where he was and what was going on. The red LCD screen of the motel alarm clock flashed the time "4:36" with a smaller notation denoting it was the morning. He groaned softly, sitting up and looking over to Tim.
He was still asleep, peaceful, calm. It made him feel some sort of way seeing him relaxed. It wasn't uncommon for Jay to be woken up by violent night terrors from Tim's end, it was now a part of life to comfort the other during such episodes. He wasn’t able to sleep long at all, anyways, so it wasn’t much of a problem. It was nice to comfort Tim during those episodes. The first time it was almost awkward but after a while Tim had grown used to waking up with his head on Jay’s lap and Jay half asleep with his head against the headboard of the bed. Sometimes the cool wood felt better than a pillow, just a bit firm to remind him where he was stuck.
Regardless of this fact, he slowly sat up, his legs gently slinging over the side of the bed, his bare feet hitting cool carpet. He probably shouldn’t be barefoot in a motel room, who knew what the last person did, but by that logic he shouldn’t be in a motel anyways. Maybe now he was the person doing god knows what in a cheap motel, drinking gas station coffee on the curb of a street.
The weight of Tim’s jacket on his shoulders brought him back to reality. At least there was Tim. There would always be Tim. He felt his jaw clench before he felt a warm wetness against his cold cheeks. He brought a shaking hand up to his face wiping away tears from his face. He was crying.
He heard a rustling in the bed beside him, Tim turning his body to face him. His face contorted into a look of concern before he got up, walking the short gap between the beds. Jay could barely feel the weight of Tim’s body as he hit the bed, numb as he was pulled into the other’s body.
“What happened? Why are you sobbing so much?” He asked quietly.
He had been sobbing. He had woken Tim up with his sobbing. He felt his hands instinctively latch onto the other’s shirt. He couldn’t even feel the fabric, his hands numb, but he still knew he was gripping onto the other, burying his face in his chest. He could faintly recognize the motions of Tim rubbing his back. He felt his breathing slow, his eyes closing slowly.
He couldn’t make out what Tim was saying anymore. He could find out later watching back the tapes. For now he just knew he was tired. Tired of carrying so much weight on his shoulders. Tired of the fear, the uncertainty. Tired of the past. He was so thankful he could rest. Thank God Tim let him rest.
He woke up still in Tim’s arms, he could only vaguely remember the events of the early morning, but now he knew it had to have been later in the day. The sun pouring between the cracks of the curtains and closed blinds of the motel windows that made up half the fourth wall made it clear that it was.
He was laying on Tim. His head was still on his chest. He took a deep breath, cringing slightly at the smell of cigarettes but still smiling. He felt his gentle breath, the sound of his heart playing in his ears. He gripped the other’s shirt slightly before sitting up.
They’d have to get on the move again soon, Jay knew this pretty well, but for now he had to change the tape on the camera. He also needed to know what Tim had said last night but that could wait. A lot of things could wait. They probably needed to get something to eat today.
While he was fiddling with the camera he heard the sounds of blankets rustling. Tim was awake. He turned to speak before hearing Tim say something first.
“Did you sleep well?”
He felt his breath catch in his throat, almost dropping the camera. He didn’t expect the concern in Tim’s voice. He set the camera down and coughed softly, clearing his throat.
“Yeah... Yeah. Uh- Did you?” He managed to ask, biting the inside of his cheek.
“I slept well enough.”
“That’s good. That’s- Yeah.” He felt stupid for how he responded but Tim just smiled. Well, it wasn’t a smile, but his gaze was softer than it usually was and his jaw wasn’t clenched and Jay’s overall standard for what a smile was had truly lowered to anything that wasn’t a glare.
“Did you want to go out and get something to eat?”
There was a pause as Jay thought over how to respond. Should they go? Was it worth it to get something to eat?
“Sure. You think McDonald’s is still doing breakfast?”
“Probably not.”
“That’s fair.”
There was a soft sigh that escaped Jay before Tim spoke again.
“We can go out and check if you want.”
“Can we?”
“Yeah.”
----
Alex had left first, leaving once the rain had started coming down. It had only been at most 30 minutes, and it left Jay feeling empty, hollow and yearning for more. He needed to feel the warmth of the other’s body again, the firm yet gentle kisses Alex planted on his face which always felt stolen but left his heart fluttering all the same.
He dragged himself to his car which was a good ways away, rain drenching his clothes and dripping off him. He opened the door to his car and sat in the driver’s seat, slamming the door closed behind him. He shoved the key in the engine, turning on the heat of his car before slamming his head against the steering wheel. He knew it would probably leave a bruise but he couldn’t bring himself to care just yet. His fingers gripped the wheel, his fingertips and knuckles turning white from the pressure, holding back whatever he was feeling in regards to Alex’s departure.
He fished his phone out of his pocket to check if it still worked, which, much to his surprise, it did. He debated over calling Alex but ultimately decided against it, just placing it on the passenger’s seat, reclining in his seat and lazily slinging his arm over his face, hiding his eyes.
“What’s the point?” He quietly asked himself. He then heard his phone buzz, never keeping the ringer on. He couldn’t help but jump, hoping, praying it was Alex. And it was. He fumbled to quickly answer it, placing the phone against his ear and almost holding his breath.
“H-Hello?” He managed to get out.
“Hey, Jay, sorry I wasn’t able to stick around for longer. Just- You know how it is,” he heard Alex say over the phone, as if he was trying to find some righteous excuse for his behavior, expecting Jay to create the lies for him, to fill in the gaps and read between lines that weren’t there.
“Yeah, I-I get it,” and just like if a play, as if every interaction was scripted, like there was subtext to review and essays to write over in English class, Jay filled in those blanks, that emptiness of truth and half hearted deceit, for him.
“Glad to hear. Let’s, uh, meet up next week, yeah? Friday work?”
“Friday works, yeah.” It’s not like Jay had any reason to fight against the idea. It’s not like he wanted to fight.
“Sounds great. I gotta go now. I’ll call you back later.”
“Right. Yeah. Sounds good. Love you.” He almost impulsively inputted the farewell, but it might as well not have been said as he heard Alex hastily hang up right after the words left his lips. He tossed the phone onto the seat again, his clothes still wet but more tolerable as he pulled out of the parking space he was currently taking up, driving home.
He let himself debate if he should bother getting food, as he hadn’t eaten all day, but in the end decided against the idea, just going home. He could always eat tomorrow. There was always tomorrow.
----
In the end, it turned out it was too late to get breakfast, but Jay ended up getting nuggets. They were easy to eat, something that didn’t make him cringe away from the idea of eating. Tim got a soda, he didn’t really want to eat. At least, that was the excuse he gave to Jay. It’s not like Jay would press on the validity of the claim. It didn’t impact him one way or another.
They ended up eating in the motel room before they packed everything up and checked out, trying to decide what the next place they’d go would be. To some extent Jay figured it’d just be nicer to sleep in the backseat of the car. At least then they wouldn’t have to worry about getting out of some area fast. Of course, Tim would never agree to such an idea. Even he had to admit it was kind of stupid.
He ran a hand through his hair as he began to feel too sick to finish the small amount of food he had gotten himself, sliding the carton over to Tim.
“Can’t eat?” He asked, his voice laced with just enough sympathy to pluck at some string in Jay.
“Not really.”
“Alright.”
There wasn’t another word shared as Tim finished the food, Jay getting up to pack away clothes that had ended up one place or another when he was looking for a very specific pair of jeans. He sighed softly once finished, throwing the bag of clothes on the bed about to turn to face Tim before hearing something he truthfully never thought he’d hear.
“Hey Jay? I love you.”
He couldn’t help the incredulous laugh that escaped him. “You love me?”
“Do you not believe me?” He watched Tim get up and walk over, his heart racing in his chest. He felt as if he could hear it rattling about in him as if he were hollow. As soon as Tim’s hand touched his face he melted into it.
“Of course I believe you,” he whispered in reply, feeling the softest kiss placed against his forehead. It was gentle, sweet, so unlike Alex, and yet perfectly Tim. Perfectly safe. He was safe.